Summer Clothing (What not to Wear)

It’s May Day. Summertime is close. I can feel it in my bones. I can also see it on every street corner from the way girls and women are beginning to dress.

New catalogues and emails in my inbox all make me feel like my money is burning a hole in my pocket (gotta be careful there!), but the following is a list of a few things you WON’T be finding me buying, and you’ll NEVER see hanging in my summer wardrobe:

Simply immodest list

• Skin-tight, thin, tank tops; I don’t care how hot the weather is, wearing less clothing doesn’t necessarily cool you off. Besides, we can all see the complete outline of your bra.
• Spaghetti strap blouses or camisoles as a top. I’m not particularly fond of layering short sleeved tees under a spaghetti strap blouse, either. It’s an immature look for anyone over 14, and if you had to buy something else to wear under the top, why’d you buy it in the first place? I’m not talking about v-neck tops that might require a camisole underneath, I’m talking about shirts that take a whole other shirt to make it look decent.
• 3in. inseam shorts. First, nothing looks good stretched tight across your bum. Second, shorts that short almost always end at the thickest part of your leg which, unless you have sticks for legs, will make your legs look thicker. Not flattering. A 5in. inseam is better, 7in. is good, too. If you must wear short-shorts then keep the look limited to your house.
• Above-the-knee-skirts. You may not be wearing a “mini” in the absolute technical sense of the word, but you’re coming close to it. Do you know just how far up your thigh we can all look when you sit down? Again, wearing above-the-knee skirts and dresses, is also just not flattering from a sartorial point of view because the hemline of the skirt ends at an awkward spot, highlighting the thickest part of your legs. Stick to the universally flattering hemlines of “right above the kneecap,” “middle of the kneecap,” or “right below the kneecap.”
• Thin, low-cut dresses, sporting lots of cleavage. Into this category I also put strapless dresses, spaghetti strap dresses, and halter dresses. “Put a sweater on over that honey, even I feel cold.” Can you tell me why it is acceptable to show cleavage in the summertime? A sunburn on that area of the anatomy probably hurts!
• Above 4in. high heels. 3in. is pushing the limit, especially if it’s a wobbly stiletto heel– 3in. ain’t so bad if the platform of the shoe is sturdier, and I love a good pair of heels. But wearing 4in. sandals with that short skirt isn’t a killer look, unless you’re trying to kill yourself by breaking your ankles.
  

Simply unflattering list

• Voluminous baby doll or hippie blouses and knit tops. I like the look of a more loosely fitted top over more closely fitted jeans, or a skirt, but baby, you could hide an elephant under that thing! Have you ever had anybody tell you that you look pregnant when wearing a baby doll top?
• Performance sports sandals with your smart-casual outfit. You were doing good until you chose your footwear. Are you planning on going on a hike in those? The internet offers thousands of better footwear choices that are just as comfy as those ugly sandals you are wearing.
• Baggy capris that end right above my ankles, or halfway between my knees and my ankles. If I wear these then I visually cut my height down by a foot AND I look like Huckleberry Fin. To maintain a streamlined look that doesn’t compromise my already short height, I stick with straight, knee-length denim clamdiggers, or shorts. For a really classy look try white denim, though you may find it hard to keep clean.
• Horizontally striped t-shirts. That is, t-shirts with wide horizontal strips. Horizontal stripes DO make you look larger, trust me. If you can find a horizontally striped t-shirt that has very thin or very light stripes, then by all means wear it, but as a rule, vertical stripes will always look more flattering on everybody, and I think that it is a more polished look.
• Super light colored, acid-wash jeans that are so baggy you trip over them with ever step you take. Are you headed to a redneck party? I’m partial to slightly lighter colored jeans paired with a high-quality t-shirt, and linen scarf when I’m going for a casual look, but don’t waste $40 on a pair of jeans that you’ll regret having 6 months from now.

Well, that isn’t a complete list. But it details some of my greatest dislikes about summer clothing, be it immodest or just plain ugly. Stay tuned for a list of summer wardrobe items that I endorse and do wear during all summer long.

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